Better?

Morning Pages

10/16/16 7:05am

Welp, I guess this beats yesterday. At least I actually managed to wake up early this time. I was aiming for 6am (I had an alarm and everything, not sure if it went off) but 7am it is.

Yesterday was alright. I wasn’t able to get as much done as I had hoped, but I did do more than usual.

Last night was a little odd. I did go to bed at around 10pm, which is crazy early for me, but I think I woke up around 3 for some reason. I just couldn’t find a comfortable position, I think. I’m not sure if I was dreaming or if that was actually happening. Either way, I was just worried about not being able to fall back asleep because I had taken sleeping pills earlier. I figured if they didn’t work, then sleep in general was going to be a real pain for me. Of course, I do want to stop using those pills as soon as I adjust to sleeping more. As I said yesterday, they knock me out way longer than I intend them to. I’m usually not able to do anything at the 8th hour in, which makes this morning interesting. I’m really hoping I don’t crash midway through the day.

I’ve got a two hour drive to go and visit…let’s just call it an interesting place. No, it’s nothing crazy. I’d just rather not post where I’ll be and when to the public.

I’ve been thinking about the time of year. We’re coming close to the end of 2016, and my 2 year anniversary on YouTube is coming up in February.

I’ve got mixed feelings about this. I know I really haven’t done much of anything this year. I spent most of it either depressed, intoxicated, or sick feeling. I did “want” to get better, but I realized a few days ago that the part of me that wants to get better is just about equal to the part of me that wants to self destruct.

So, I’ve decided on a new approach, at least temporarily. Instead of trying to get better, I want to explore why I should get better. I do need to figure out what it is I want exactly before I go out blindly doing things. Otherwise, I’m only going to keep finding myself back at square one.

So, 2017 will be both exciting and a little scary for me, as I’m sure it will be for everyone else. I think what bothers me the most about new years is that people are always the most motivated around that time, but flake out a couple weeks or months later. I’m the same way, at least with the flaking out part, but I never do have genuine motivation around that time of year. It’s always more of a “I guess I’ll try, but no promises” thing followed by a sigh. Again, I’m starting to take a different approach, and I have no idea where it’ll lead me. If it fails, I’ll figure something else out.

-Reign

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