My alarm is set for 6am, but somehow I woke up a little after 4. I’m not sure why, but the first thing to happen when I opened my eyes was this overwhelming feeling of dread. It seemed like the universe telling me to not even try today, and to just turn off my alarm and forget what day it is. This did scare me. It was scary that nothing had even happened yet, and I was already feeling the way I was. The anxiety was followed up by slight misplaced curiosity. Things sort of paused for a second and I had to wonder exactly why I was feeling this.
My emotions are often spontaneous and a little hard to pinpoint–especially the negative ones. They sort of just happen, rather than being a reaction to something happening to me. This time, I was able to sort of figure out what it was. Maybe that’s the benefit of just sitting in total darkness, isolated from any distractions for a moment.
I figured that what I was feeling was coming from a place of fear, knowing that I had the entire day ahead of me, and the challenge of not repeating the same mistakes I had made yesterday or even the day before. I can say I’ve been doing slightly better so far this week, but I’ve obviously still fucked up what I had planned, and I can’t help but beat myself up about it sometimes. Seeing the negative is way easier than taking a step back to appreciate the little steps you’ve taken to improve. I think seeing the good in things takes much more strength.
So, I suppose now I’m going to use this opportunity to start the day off early instead of retreating like my brain was telling me to do.
Yesterday was interesting. The highlight was walking through the Eastern State Penitentiary–which I had planned to see for quite some time. One cell was turned into an art exhibit, but not in the traditional sense. It was an empty cell, lined with speakers. Each speaker seemed to be spewing out a different voice. Some were talking, mumbling, and even singing. It was all quite hellish. Sometimes the noise in my head is quite similar, and I’ve never heard it more accurately represented in the “real world” before yesterday. I could only literally spend a few seconds in there before I felt like crying, which I wasn’t about to let happen in public.
I’ve got quite a bit to get done today, and I am still nervous about it. I do have to make a video, and the thought of it puts me off. I’m going to have to put myself in front of thousands of (potentially unfriendly) faceless internet lurkers. As I was saying yesterday, my second anniversary on YouTube is coming up in February, so you’d think I would have been able to overcome my stage fright by now. Nope, that still hasn’t happened yet, but I’m hoping to work on it as I go along. I’m just fortunate to be where I am.
And now, tea time.