I continue to fail at what I set out to do, but I make progress each time, so I don’t consider them true failures. I am exhausted right now, and tried very hard to sleep, but my thoughts and anxiety are keeping me awake. I know this blog is supposed to be dedicated to my morning writing, but if I can’t sleep then it sort of doesn’t matter. I’m pretty sure that dumping my thoughts onto a page will help relieve some of this restlessness.
So what’s on my mind? If you’re reading this, you’re most likely a follower of my work on YouTube. I’m not sure who you are, or how familiar you are with my personal life beyond what I do online. I just want to make it clear that I am not quitting YouTube. I am simply expressing my thoughts, passions, and frustrations. Life isn’t tied together in a neat little bow, so neither will this post.
In a past entry, I talked about creative hunger. I tried to not dwell on dissatisfaction, and instead focused on communicating that I felt inspired. That was no lie, I do feel very inspired right now. However, there are two sides to everything. On the other end, I can not deny the fact that I feel completely disenchanted with what I do.
Again, I have no idea how well you know me, but depending on how closely you follow me, you may have heard me express this a thousand times over the past several months. The thing is, I never did expect the YouTube thing to work out. It was all sort of a happy accident. It was something that I tried out, and somehow “success” (whatever that means) magically fell on my lap. When I first started, I created videos purely for fun. It didn’t matter if they sucked because no one was watching anyway. These days, I feel an overwhelming pressure to deliver, and I feel as though I’m a slave to my own channel. I feel like I have no power to create. I simply follow the formula I’ve set by accident.
Of course, this is complete bullshit. I can make whatever videos I want, right? Not really. I usually try to find a middle ground between what I like, and stuff that won’t completely destroy the channel. Whether I like it or not, I am here to entertain. I’m here to feed hungry dogs. If they don’t get what they want, then the channel slowly dies. That’s just reality, and I have no problem accepting that. You do have to keep your customers happy. That’s work.
And that’s the problem. It’s just work. It’s no longer something I feel passionate for. I still have to do it because it’s my only source of income, but just like anyone else, I want to clock in and clock out.
I remedy this by taking time out to do other things I enjoy, just like anyone else would. As I said in my entry about creativity, no one sees the things I do aside from YouTube. I don’t do them for any sort of recognition. I simply do them to keep myself sane.
Anyway, I am rambling at this point. What I’m trying to get at is that no matter how much I run from it, YouTube is always something I have to reluctantly face, and I hate that. I hate that something that once brought me joy is now something I can’t stand to look at. It’s something that I need to avoid in order to keep my mental health in check.
Do I believe I can shift this situation? Absolutely. I am not trapped, even if I feel that way. Figuring out how to come to terms with my channel will be slow and painful, but it just has to be done. I’m not sure how to go about doing that, but what I am sure of is that I am going to keep at it until another chapter in my life starts. When will that be? I have no idea. It could be months or years from now.
I’ve never been one to stick to one medium. In my short time on this planet, I’ve held quite a few different titles and jobs. YouTube is just one of many, and definitely not the end. As much as I love what has come from it, I also can’t wait to see what happens next. Life is very unpredictable.