Morning Pages 11.17.16 9:38am
We’re halfway through November already, and very close to the end of 2016.
I’ll admit that I am hungry for change, and I absolutely want to see what the future holds. As I keep saying in these posts, I do have plans and things I am working on, but I’m just not able to go public about them yet. I’m inspired, and excited.
I think the end of the year is always a bitter-sweet time for everyone. To me, it’s always when I start to over think, and things start to get a little more gloomy.
This time is a little different. I’m not too sure why I’m feeling it, but on top of the usual depression that comes with the new year, I also have this feeling of not wanting things to end. You may think that sounds normal, but for me, it is not. I usually worry around this time of year because I know that change will come, and that’s as far as it went. This time, it’s not exactly a negative feeling. It’s almost like wanting to give the present a warm hug–or something like that. I just want to hold onto it for a little bit longer before it’s time to say goodbye.
In a way, I wish I had done that to every single day I’ve had on this planet. I don’t remember much of this year. January feels like yesterday to me. If I had held on a little bit more, then maybe I’d have something to look back at in 2016. There are a few memorable moments, but the bulk of the year is a drunken blur to me. I didn’t hold on to what I had. Instead, I made sure to stay numb and as far away as possible.
I woke up miserable today. I immediately started to weep, and just decided to stay still for a bit. I started to ask myself if I should even try today. We’ve all been there, and we all know that darkness and loneliness. Oddly, something beautiful came from it once I started to think about wanting to not let go of the now. A thought came over me. I’m still breathing…I’m still alive. For reasons I can’t explain, I started to smile, and cry even harder. I’m still here.
Final thoughts: Fuck I’m hungry. Time to find breakfast.
Have a great day.