1.15.17 4am

Intoxicated Pages

It’s very late, and I can’t explain what I’m feeling. Maybe it’s early? Who knows? When exactly does time cut off from late night to early morning?

Anyway, I will admit that I am a little lost now. I can’t sleep. I can never sleep. Thoughts are keeping me awake. I’m thinking of how many more years I have to live. 50? 60? Maybe way less. I just Googled it, and it gave me 50 years. I should die by 71. That’s not bad at all.

I suppose what scares me isn’t death. It’s the idea that “tragedy ” in my life isn’t over. I’d like to think that it is, but is it? No one can tell the future.

Today, I wrote a short Facebook post about how being a YouTuber has caused me to have extremely low tolerance for shit online. I wish to expand on that here.

You’d think that making a fool of yourself online for a living would help you develop a thicker skin. It has–at least for me. At the same time, it’s also made me a lot colder and way less empathetic. Whenever anyone says anything online, I automatically assume he/she means the worst. Now, this isn’t an attempt at justifying it–but the reason behind this is the fact that I do deal with a lot of assholes every single day. At some point, you just stop believing in people. It sucks. It is very easy to forget that there are real people on the other side of that screen.

I’m not entirely sure where to go from here. I need to sober up, then collect myself.



2 thoughts on “4am

  1. You’re thinking too much, i know it can bleed into the other but online and real life should be seperated knowing one cannot be anonymous and the other one can be anonymous. As I’ve said to someone else before, i anticipate for the worst but i always expect the best from people.


  2. I feel there will always be tragedy in life. A little morbid but I feel how we deal with it is what makes us or breaks us. Also I know how you feel about losing empathy. I used to be sunshine and rainbows but I started working at a hospital and I’m not saying everyone is an asshole but sometimes there are too many. Now I’ve kind of become a little more bitter and I feel bad about that.


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