1.17.12 12:15am

1.17.12 12:15am

Honesty is just the worst sometimes. Right now, I’m in the middle of a mental breakdown. I can promise that I’ll eventually come back and read this, then think very hard about deleting it. I’ll have to force myself not to.

I’m here again. I’m in bed, trying to sleep. Thoughts are keeping me awake. This is my second time completely shutting down today. That isn’t a lot to me. In fact, it’s rather normal at this point. I just can’t seem to pull myself together. What’s the problem? I’ve been slipping. Maybe I’m already at the point of no return. I’m jumpy, and afraid. So fucking jumpy. Everything scares me, or makes me extremely anxious. I only step outside of my apartment about once a week at most. That sounds bad, but I chose this life. I wanted to work from home so I could be alone. I got what I wished for. What I didn’t expect was for me to become nearly phobic of other people. I can’t speak to strangers. I can’t get words out. I make sure to limit interaction as much as possible. Why am I so nervous? I could almost swear they’re out to get me or something. I’ve made a daily ritual out of pacing my apartment several times, then falling to the floor and crying for a little bit.

What’s funny about this is that I have no fucking clue why I’m bothering to write this out. It’s ultimately pointless. All it’ll get me is life advice from people who think they know me because they click on my videos. As if that means anything. YouTube is also scaring me. I’m sure that at any moment now, something will blow up in my face and everything will be gone. Dead. Something very, very bad is going to happen to me right when things feel perfect. That’s just how life works. What’s even funnier is the fact that I’ll totally see it coming. The channel goes cold? Well, that’s what I get for drinking 2016 away. Sometimes I wonder how long it’ll take for my liver to just give out. That’s the dangerous bit. What brings me relief is the idea that if things do go wrong, death is an escape route. The more I think about that, the more I realize how pathetic I sound, the more I close up, etc.

There is simply no point to this, especially when I know that other people have it worse. Why did I bother sharing this?

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9 thoughts on “1.17.12 12:15am

  1. “What’s funny about this is that I have no fucking clue why I’m bothering to write this out. It’s ultimately pointless”

    Well.. i guess there are some people that are going through similar things and maybe for them it’s nice to have someone they can relate to.

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  2. It’s not pointless to write things. To tell your problems to others. We all need outlets and this is a good way to get things out.

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  3. I’m sorry if I am getting to personal or if saying this is rude but I take medication for depression maybe you should consult a psychiatrist. Not to say that in any bad way.

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  4. I’m going through a similar thing right now. I chose to go to a night shift position because I couldn’t handle large crowds anymore. Now I have almost no social life and I’m pretty sure I’m depressed. I feel like a NEET with a job. You aren’t alone, and I hope we can both eventually find a happy medium between solitude and healthy human interaction.

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  5. Hey, I have a very long history of depression and extreme anxiety. I’m not going to say I know you or what you are going through because I clearly don’t. Everyone is different in how they feel and how it effects them. All I can say is I have the gist of it from personal experience. I’m not sure how old you are, how long you have been feeling like this or your situation, but I hope this might help in some way. I’m 34 and I have been ill pretty much my whole life. Talking therapy is pointless for me, talking in general helps but the pills are a literal life saver. I used to be unable to leave the house too, couldn’t speak to anyone, no phone, no anything. I was a full on recluse. I have had break down after break down and for me to get to where I am now is just crazy. I am just now heading out of the worst and longest spell of depression I have had since I was about 22. It’s been over a year and at one point got close to suicidal. I have come to terms with this being a life long illness and it will never be cured, I just have to manage it.

    It’s fucking hard to live with at times and sometimes you just feel like it’s not worth it and things will never get better, but life is worth sticking out the shit for. The good stuff often kicks in where you least expect it. Help and support is all over the place if you reach out for it, doctors are there and always worth going to even when you don’t feel like they can help you, trying is better than not going. I know you probably won’t want to, but I am happy to listen and chat if you do want to talk.

    Love, hugs and well wishes

    Violet
    Long time crazy person and mental health worrier

    xxx

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  6. I know that you’re mostly writing for yourself, hence that last line, but I kinda figure that maybe a bit of sympathy might help…

    Having spent months at a time in isolation of my own volition, it really can be a slippery slope. The prospect seems nice for your average introvert; just you and the internet. But after some, time the relief of solitude fades into bit of an existential quandary- If the rat race is as cyclical and hollow an existence as it gets among the people of “real” world, what does that mean for your hermit that relies on gratification of their own company? Sure, you’re free to dictate your own life in ways that a nine to five worker couldn’t, but is it really all that much better when you just end up haunting your own house? (I honestly don’t know the answer. I’ve lived both ways and have always ended up yearning for the other lifestyle after living one for an extended periods of time)

    Plus, you’d think that being in the modern age and communicating with people over the web daily would keep you sane enough, but I’ve always ended up feeling the distance. Something about being able to present your opinions rather than your whole character cuts off the edge of the dynamic. Personally, I’ve always found myself forgetting how to make eye contact while I talk to people after long periods of living out of my house… I just want to get my point across, not worry about how whomever I’m talking to takes it based on something stupid like whether my posture’s good while I state it.

    And then there’s the whole time slippage and insomnia thing. I’d have to(and likely will in the future) make a really concerted effort to properly manage sleep schedules when you don’t have regular obligations. It’s one of those things that doesn’t seem to matter until you’re up at 5:30 in the morning after a night of no substantial sleep, mind running at the speed of light while you can hardly bear to look at the computer screen, much less the insides of your eyelids. Either way, you know you’ll get no sleep until your mind feels like it’s pulling away from your body and the ringing in your ears is too loud to be drowned out even with music.

    I may not know what this means for your life specifically, hell if I don’t know anything about you as-is, nor do I claim to. I just ended up here looking for the post on RudyIsJoy, and ended up finding a reflection of something that I’ve had trouble with time and time again.

    So maybe that’s useless, perhaps I’m just projecting or something- In which case you can disregard this pathetic… (Jesus Christ that’s a fucking) essay. I’ve just always found it oddly gratifying when people are able to appreciate how tough personal problems like this are, even when they seem petty. So given how much of a pit you’re in- regardless of whether it’s similar to mine(and, as cliche as it sounds), I hope you’re able to find a better frame of mind.

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  7. Yeah social anxiety sucks.. I’ve been dealing with it for about 10 years now. I don’t think I know you because i watch your videos but I DO know social anxiety very well… and it only gets worse when you hide away from everyone. But then again you feel miserable when you force yourself to be around other people… there’s no winning with social anxiety. The best thing you can do is find some people you feel comfortable around and try to make sure you spend some time with them so you don’t end up in complete isolation.

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  8. I can relate to everything you said. Except at least you create stuff and have these outlets.
    Also, I hate when people try to give advice about shit like they know what’s best. I only know what’s in my own mind and as far as I know that’s the only thing I can be sure exists. Anyway, I hope you can find peace. I like your channel and appreciate what you do.
    From one lone soul to another in this solipsistic abyss…

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