Honesty is just the worst sometimes. Right now, I’m in the middle of a mental breakdown. I can promise that I’ll eventually come back and read this, then think very hard about deleting it. I’ll have to force myself not to.
I’m here again. I’m in bed, trying to sleep. Thoughts are keeping me awake. This is my second time completely shutting down today. That isn’t a lot to me. In fact, it’s rather normal at this point. I just can’t seem to pull myself together. What’s the problem? I’ve been slipping. Maybe I’m already at the point of no return. I’m jumpy, and afraid. So fucking jumpy. Everything scares me, or makes me extremely anxious. I only step outside of my apartment about once a week at most. That sounds bad, but I chose this life. I wanted to work from home so I could be alone. I got what I wished for. What I didn’t expect was for me to become nearly phobic of other people. I can’t speak to strangers. I can’t get words out. I make sure to limit interaction as much as possible. Why am I so nervous? I could almost swear they’re out to get me or something. I’ve made a daily ritual out of pacing my apartment several times, then falling to the floor and crying for a little bit.
What’s funny about this is that I have no fucking clue why I’m bothering to write this out. It’s ultimately pointless. All it’ll get me is life advice from people who think they know me because they click on my videos. As if that means anything. YouTube is also scaring me. I’m sure that at any moment now, something will blow up in my face and everything will be gone. Dead. Something very, very bad is going to happen to me right when things feel perfect. That’s just how life works. What’s even funnier is the fact that I’ll totally see it coming. The channel goes cold? Well, that’s what I get for drinking 2016 away. Sometimes I wonder how long it’ll take for my liver to just give out. That’s the dangerous bit. What brings me relief is the idea that if things do go wrong, death is an escape route. The more I think about that, the more I realize how pathetic I sound, the more I close up, etc.
There is simply no point to this, especially when I know that other people have it worse. Why did I bother sharing this?