Dear Viewer

3.24.17

If you know me at all, then you’ll know that the way I choose to describe myself is that I’m a mess of a human being. This observation is just coming from a place of honesty–one that I wasn’t very comfortable expressing up until I became a YouTuber. If you knew me before then, then you’ll remember the Reign who was at work pretty much 24/7. I used to be a bit obsessed with getting ahead, and there would be no way I’d ever admit to being anything less than impressive. In short, I had much more of an inflated ego back then–at least in my opinion.

Why do I tell you this? Well, it’s no secret that as far as YouTube goes, I’ve never been a solid creator. In two years of doing this, I’ve never really kept a consistent schedule, nor have I really stuck to any solid series. The last two years of me doing this have just been a cocktail of me throwing shit at the wall to see what sticks, and a parade of mental breakdowns and substance abuse. I want to make one thing clear: I have no idea what I’m doing.

If you’re reading this, you’re probably wondering if this is what’s been going on over the last few weeks. Without going into too much detail, yes, that’s exactly it. I’ve spent weeks in bed high or drunk, and I feel like I’m rotting.

Throwing shit at the wall has somehow gotten me close to a quarter million subscribers. That’s the part of this whole thing I find confusing. I’m like a shitty band that misses half their shows and plays drunk when they do show up, and yet somehow people still stick around for me. As I said, I have no idea what I’m doing here, and somehow that’s enough for some people.

I want to speak as myself for a second, and not as my persona:

I’ve said this before, and it still stands–YouTube has changed my life. I don’t mean that in a corny, inspirational way. For better or worse, it at least pushed me in some kind of direction. As I said, I’m a mess, and I’m clueless, and somehow that got me thousands of followers. I know, I don’t get it either. One thing I don’t talk about publicly very often is the fact that I really don’t feel connected with my audience in the way I had hoped. That’s normal, as you’ve probably learned from every YouTuber ever to say the same thing. The more a channel grows, the less “human” you become to the bulk of the people who watch you. That’s just how it is, and there really is no harm done there.

Despite all this, there are still people who manage to shine through a bit. I’ve gotten countless messages from people who tell me that I somehow helped them through tough times, or that I inspired them to create something for themselves. A handful of people have even asked me if they could get my logo tattooed on them, and I’ll admit, that hit me hard. It’s a little crazy to think that there are people out there who value my channel to the point where they’d get a symbol of it permanently transferred on to their skin. As a former tattoo artist, that’s something very special. These people, in a way, value the channel even more than I do. I remember getting a letter from a girl who told me about how she read my personal posts about my history of sexual abuse. She thanked me and explained how it helped her cope with her own abuse. Somehow, something I said made her feel a bit better about her situation.

Of course, she wasn’t the first or the last to reach out to me in that way. Every single time a person does, I get a bit taken back. I sit there reading it, and I just think “Is this person sure they’re talking to me? I rarely ever upload and my videos are crap, and…” I never really know how to respond because I don’t feel like I really did do anything to help them, even if they claim that I did. Don’t get me wrong, it’s incredibly humbling when people tell me these things–I just find it hard to see myself the way these people do. 

I guess what I’m getting at is that yes, I am a complete mess of a human being and a mediocre YouTuber, but if that somehow means something to you then all I can really do is thank you for giving me a few minutes out of your day to listen to me. I honestly don’t feel like I deserve all my subscribers. I know there are people out there who would kill for what I have–people who would do way more with it. 

Anyway, I’ve never been good at getting my point across when I break character. That’s why I hide behind scripts. I know I’ve been droning on here, so I’m going to wrap this up. If you’re one of those people who feel connected to me somehow, thank you. Thank you for sticking around and putting up with my shit. You’re the greatest. 

Final thoughts: Panda express–not authentic, but fuck, it really does hit the spot sometimes.

Have a great day.

-Reign

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15 thoughts on “Dear Viewer

  1. It’s good to hear from you, was getting worried. While I deeply wish you’d get help for the substance abuse, you’ve managed to make a great channel despite those issues. You seem to think you churn out mediocre work, but I watch a lot of stuff similar to yours, and yours stands out. The subject matter may be similar to many other channels, but your writing and narration have a certain no-drama matter-of-factness about them that I appreciate. You’re not trying to be the narrator of one of those ‘murder shows’ on Discovery ID. You’re not trying to be Robert Stack on Unsolved Mysteries. You get to the point, report the facts, and do so with a unique calm. And, as I’ve told you many times, your research is better than any I’ve seen. The debunking stuff you’ve done is the work of a solid investigative journalist, not the random drunken YouTuber you seem convinced you are.

    That’s why I still want to collaborate with you via The Gasp Menagerie. No matter what personal struggles you face, your work is SOLID.

    That said, every time you go away I get really scared you just won’t come back. I wish there was something I, or anyone, could do to help, but addiction is something you’ve gotta fix for yourself. So all I can say is, kick it while you’re young and the damage is minimal. You’re a special one, the world needs you.

    As always, for what it’s worth being a rando z-grade Internet celebrity, I’m here if you want to talk about whatever.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Hi, I know you probably won’t read this but here goes nothing and it will probably be rambly as all hell.

    I’d like to thank you for letting us see beyond the “internet you” it’s humbling to see that you trust us (when it comes to it random people) with stuff like this.

    You may be a mess, but you’re an honest mess and I value honesty above anything, and I think it really shows in my inner circle of friends that I pretty much don’t beat people over the head with their low points. So that’s why I feel connected to you, on some level we’re all alike and I find you to be one of the most straight foreward youtubers and people in general.

    I mean, what you did for me on my birthday ment a lot to me. You may not see it but you made a sad person really happy for one day. You do deserve the people that watch you, but if we deserve you, that’s the question.

    Even though you go trough a lot of shit, you still put in the time and effort to make content for us for free no less. I wish I had a way to repay you but I don’t.

    I hope you pull trough, my internet existence would feel wierd without the uniquness that is you (No sleep makes Wicked corny…)

    I know I am one of thousands but my ears are always open.

    Cheers to you queen

    -Wicked

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  3. Reign, or what your name is (sorry that i dont know yet :/ )

    As someone who has followed your channel for a decent amount of time i can say that it never really hit me what your previous situation was, well of course, you dont seem to be the type of person to bring it up on youtube, but i was to say that no matter what happens, i personally will continue to support you.

    Listening to your videos when playing or falling asleep has been a habit of mine for quite some time now, and I want to say from the bottom of my heart, thank you

    For everything that you do, you really have been an inspiration for me to strive foward on my creative thoughts and ideas, and that is something that i will always be gratefull of

    But enough of me, I sure do hope, for the love of all that is good, that you find something that makes you feel fuffiled, might be youtube, might be something else, heck you might have already found it and i know nothing, but as long as it keeps you in shape and happy, then no matter what it is, ill support you

    With all that said,

    Thank you

    Like

  4. Hello,
    Long time viewer, first time contact. It is good hear from you again. Of course I am aware that keeping a regular schedule can be a grind. However rest assured, that you efforts are appreciated. The reasons are no great mystery. You are one the most intelligent, insightful and logical individuals on the internet. Something that we all have been lacking as of late. True your channel may cover, among other things, the fantastic and mysterious. Yet, you always seem to approach even complex problems from a logical point of view. Your summaries are clear and concise. Your investigations are well thought out. Finally, your results reflect the fine effort put in. Considering the subject matter, the temptation must be to draw fantastic or mysterious conclusions. Instead, yours are logical and clearly rooted in reason. To be honest, I find your uploads among the most trustworthy (a very small circle). As for the issues the you face, I have known some in similar situations that denied that the even had problems. Yet you are self aware. I hope that this will help you deal with them in a healthy manner. Your willingness to be honest with these issues have clearly assisted others. May it do the same for you.
    Now, if you will allow me to draw a logical conclusion. The reason you have over a quarter of a million subscribers is because you deserve it. You a beacon of reason in a growingly unreasonable time. That is much appreciated. Yes, I greatly anticipate your future content. But mostly I wish for your physical, mental and spiritual health. And looking back at the number of your subscribers I know I’m not the only one.

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  5. Reign, im sorry that u dont see in u wat ….at least i do …and even though U think u dont deserve / see it i do we all do and to be honest you being able to admit that your a mess makes it sumhow ok for me to admit i feel the same way about me at times ….. so basically thank u for being u even if u think your a big mess .. you still mean sumthing to me and all of us.

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  6. You may claim you’re mediocre, but you put out a better product than about 90% of the folks in the game. Maybe you just don’t give yourself enough credit. As for not feeling as connected, well, when you deal with 600+ comments per video you can’t really connect with every one. That’s why I don’t comment as often. I figure the pile has gotten high enough that I’d really just be adding to a burden more than contributing anything.

    Like

  7. Reign,
    Thank you for sharing yourself with us. I’ve been viewing your channel for quite some time and I thoroughly enjoy your work, and you. Really, the channel is you. Your struggle adds an extra element to your work. I do mean adds. I don’t believe that you’re quite as big a mess as you believe you are, you manage to craft these videos that draw all these people to you. Just promise to never give up on yourself. We won’t.
    Jess
    My moniker was made for BG, lol, yes, a witch, not so evil

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  8. I really wouldn’t call your channel mediocre. It’s a great channel and all people only do their best, if you need to skip time then just do it. The content has proven that people like it enough to come back for it and wait around. Sounds like you have some kind of inferiority complex, I have one as well. like you are never really good enough and never will be. But we are all good enough just as we are xx

    Like

  9. Thank you and congratulations on doing what’s on your mind, even writing about what you think at the moment will be really helpful in the long run. Don’t worry about not keeping up with schedules but I have found out even just HAVING them really helps a lot.

    Like

  10. I watch all kinds of these paranormal/creepy/spooky/fucked-up content channels, many of whom publish on regular schedules, and yours are better than most. Fuck schedules, and don’t beat yourself up, just keep doing it because you love it. And Yes, Panda is the shittiest “chinese” food on earth, but Christ it is tasty.

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  11. So many things have been said, and I don’t want to repeat. I just want to wish you happiness and peace, fighting your own demons is hard, I know that. But don’t give up! Never give up! You are an amazing human being for many reasons!

    This post and shutting down the channel is tearing my heart in pieces, and one part of it I will leave here in this comment.
    Again thank you and good luck with everything you do!

    Like

  12. Hello po Reign,
    You have fans back home 🙂 mga kaibigan ay nag eenjoy sa mga vids mo, specially sa gabi, nagiging habbit na na namin na manood ng mga vids no before bedtime, (pasensya di ako masyado kabisado sa tagalog, bisaya ako eh) but anyways, thank you so much for all you’ve done, you may not realise it but you had too had touched our lives even if we are miles and miles apart.
    Your content is one of a kind.

    I hope that you would be okay soon & be glad to hear back from you, nobody is perfect we all have our flaws you and i are not that different, para lang ang buhay ay gulong minsan nasa baba at minsan nasa taas.

    Just remember : “The reason you have over a quarter of a million subscribers is because you deserve it.”

    Wish you all the best & take care
    Hoping to hear form you soon.

    Like

  13. There are several reasons why so many of us have chosen to follow YOU rather than some of those other horror themed Youtubers.
    I really hope that one day you’ll be well enough to see them for yourself. You were the better one by a huge margin.
    R.i.p. uncringiest, most rationally driven, charmingly lead and obviously superior channel of it’s own niche
    (Apologies if it looks like I’ve learnt how to English like a week ago. I’m a bit upset right now and I feel like my “second langage” situation is showing a bit too fucking much)
    Whatever you do, please be safe

    Like

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