If you know me at all, then you’ll know that the way I choose to describe myself is that I’m a mess of a human being. This observation is just coming from a place of honesty–one that I wasn’t very comfortable expressing up until I became a YouTuber. If you knew me before then, then you’ll remember the Reign who was at work pretty much 24/7. I used to be a bit obsessed with getting ahead, and there would be no way I’d ever admit to being anything less than impressive. In short, I had much more of an inflated ego back then–at least in my opinion.
Why do I tell you this? Well, it’s no secret that as far as YouTube goes, I’ve never been a solid creator. In two years of doing this, I’ve never really kept a consistent schedule, nor have I really stuck to any solid series. The last two years of me doing this have just been a cocktail of me throwing shit at the wall to see what sticks, and a parade of mental breakdowns and substance abuse. I want to make one thing clear: I have no idea what I’m doing.
If you’re reading this, you’re probably wondering if this is what’s been going on over the last few weeks. Without going into too much detail, yes, that’s exactly it. I’ve spent weeks in bed high or drunk, and I feel like I’m rotting.
Throwing shit at the wall has somehow gotten me close to a quarter million subscribers. That’s the part of this whole thing I find confusing. I’m like a shitty band that misses half their shows and plays drunk when they do show up, and yet somehow people still stick around for me. As I said, I have no idea what I’m doing here, and somehow that’s enough for some people.
I want to speak as myself for a second, and not as my persona:
I’ve said this before, and it still stands–YouTube has changed my life. I don’t mean that in a corny, inspirational way. For better or worse, it at least pushed me in some kind of direction. As I said, I’m a mess, and I’m clueless, and somehow that got me thousands of followers. I know, I don’t get it either. One thing I don’t talk about publicly very often is the fact that I really don’t feel connected with my audience in the way I had hoped. That’s normal, as you’ve probably learned from every YouTuber ever to say the same thing. The more a channel grows, the less “human” you become to the bulk of the people who watch you. That’s just how it is, and there really is no harm done there.
Despite all this, there are still people who manage to shine through a bit. I’ve gotten countless messages from people who tell me that I somehow helped them through tough times, or that I inspired them to create something for themselves. A handful of people have even asked me if they could get my logo tattooed on them, and I’ll admit, that hit me hard. It’s a little crazy to think that there are people out there who value my channel to the point where they’d get a symbol of it permanently transferred on to their skin. As a former tattoo artist, that’s something very special. These people, in a way, value the channel even more than I do. I remember getting a letter from a girl who told me about how she read my personal posts about my history of sexual abuse. She thanked me and explained how it helped her cope with her own abuse. Somehow, something I said made her feel a bit better about her situation.
Of course, she wasn’t the first or the last to reach out to me in that way. Every single time a person does, I get a bit taken back. I sit there reading it, and I just think “Is this person sure they’re talking to me? I rarely ever upload and my videos are crap, and…” I never really know how to respond because I don’t feel like I really did do anything to help them, even if they claim that I did. Don’t get me wrong, it’s incredibly humbling when people tell me these things–I just find it hard to see myself the way these people do.
I guess what I’m getting at is that yes, I am a complete mess of a human being and a mediocre YouTuber, but if that somehow means something to you then all I can really do is thank you for giving me a few minutes out of your day to listen to me. I honestly don’t feel like I deserve all my subscribers. I know there are people out there who would kill for what I have–people who would do way more with it.
Anyway, I’ve never been good at getting my point across when I break character. That’s why I hide behind scripts. I know I’ve been droning on here, so I’m going to wrap this up. If you’re one of those people who feel connected to me somehow, thank you. Thank you for sticking around and putting up with my shit. You’re the greatest.
Final thoughts: Panda express–not authentic, but fuck, it really does hit the spot sometimes.
Have a great day.