On Depression

4.20.17 4:34am

question

Hello everyone.

I got these questions from a fan a couple of days ago. As you probably already know, I’m not currently going forward with the channel, but I wanted to answer this question anyway. If you’ve read any of my entries here, then you’re probably at least somewhat familiar with my issues. I mention them in bits and pieces every now and then, and I know it can be hard to follow. Hopefully this will offer you a simplified overview of my history with depression.

•Does it run in your family?

Yes, it does. My mother and grandmother are both mentally ill and have been put on medication for it. My mother also suffers from alcoholism and occasional drug abuse. Both have been known to have severe mental breakdowns and have attempted suicide more than once. My mom and grandma are the two most prominent ones, but I do believe that others in the family may also deal with similar problems.

When did it start?

(I’m leaving out a lot of information here just to make sure I stick to the main points.)

I’d say when I was between the ages of 9-11. My family was already pretty unstable to begin with, so that was difficult for me to cope with. Once I was about 8 years old, I started dealing with long-term sexual abuse at home. At first, I sort of just held it in and tried to not let it get to me. Of course, the floodgates eventually opened and I found myself in a very deep depression. That’s when I first started to heavily consider suicide. I just didn’t know how to deal with the situation at that age–it was all very confusing.

It was around that time that my parents finally split up for good. That was particularly painful because I kept quiet about what was happening to me (partially) because I was afraid they’d blame each other for it.

By age 14, things at home became so complicated that I moved out. I was homeless a few times, and struggled to survive on my own. This continued on until adulthood where I was finally able to achieve some form of stability. Unfortunately, the depression never really went away.

Has it gotten better or worse?

It’s hard to say. I definitely am still depressed–it hasn’t gone away, ever. I’m still going through internal battles, and there are many days where I wake up just feeling done. It bleeds into everything I do, and makes being productive nearly impossible.

Still, I’m not sure if I can say if it’s gotten better or worse. I don’t really look at it that way. I’ve always been a very pained person, but in some ways, I do feel a little better about things now. As I said, I had no idea how to cope when I was a child. It was just pure despair to me. These days, it sucks, but I’m at least an adult and able to apply logic to the situation–even if it may not fix everything immediately.

I guess, maybe the depression hasn’t changed, but I’ve grown as a person and learned to adapt a bit better? I’m by no means saying that I’m properly healed–I am definitely not. I’m still barely able to function right now, and I do suffer from addiction problems.

It’s funny, actually–I’m sitting here typing this not entirely sure of the answer to your question. You’ve given me something to think about. Thank you.

-Reign

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15 thoughts on “On Depression

  1. Wow, depression is such a disgusting thing to go through, i am extremely sorry for you reign, i wish you the best of luck with your life, and mental issues. Also thank you for entertaining me for years.

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  2. None of my busy, but have you heard of the stoics? Epictetus for one, and Seneca for another. I too fall into deep manic depression, and I’ve found their thoughts as a means to control inner conflict. In modern terms, it would be called CBT. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

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  3. Very informative and I hope this gives more insight to your fans as to your current situation. People too often take for granted their favorite youtubers and similar people and just forget that they have lives too, including their own problems and struggles. Just know that even though you arent continuing the channel your fans are still here for you to support you and encourage you in times like this.

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  4. Depression sucks. I’ve had a few episodes of major depression but I can’t imagine what your life has been like. But I hope you know that you’ve made a lot of friends you’ll never meet through the Channel, and that we care.

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  5. Thank you for sharing; just hearing your story will help others know that they are not alone, which I feel is far more powerful than ppl imagine.

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  6. Hello Reign. I’m not sure if you read comments on your blog, but after reading this I felt compelled to say something. I know you probably know this, but you’re not alone. We all know this but it helps to hear it sometimes, I think. My past shares some similarities with yours, especially the childhood sexual abuse which I experienced around the same age that you did. I hope that you have someone in your life you trust enough to talk about this, as I bottled mine up for a very long time before I ever told anyone. It changes you, and I’ve found the older I get the more I realize how horrible and unfair it was that someone did this to me. It really wears on you mentally, and you carry it with you forever. But I’m going on longer than I meant to – really I just want you to keep remembering that you have a community of people out on the world who understand. Please stay strong. Love, a fan.

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  7. You’ll get through it…
    I also suffer from depression, i was diagnosed with manic depression/bipolar disorder. Ibe also have had problems with drug abuse mainly opiates and herion, i just wanted to numb myself from a 6 year relationship that ended abruptly and i never had any closer. As for me it all mainly started around 16 years old and now im 30. I have thought about suicide but did harm myself by cutting and burning cigarettes out on myself. I think it all stems from my parents divorce, seeing ny childhood friends dead body when i was 8 so the police could identify him because his father killed him… ultimately the main one that affected me my whole life would be my molestation/rape at age 6.
    Stay strong and keep pushing forward.
    I wish you all the luck and love in the world.

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  8. Hi Reign 🙂 I know full well how hard depression is to deal with. For me, It’s been a lifelong thing as a side effect of other conditions, but I’ve seen the darkest of it in the last few years. At one point I had to physically resist, to fight the urge of my own body to chase my antidepressants with a bottle of scotch, just to see what would happen. There was no rage, no sadness, nothing, I just wanted to see where the action would take me. Anything, anywhere, had to be better than locked, alone, in my own head. It’s a horrible, vile demon of a thing, and even more horrible to hear people tell you that you can just “be strong” and “fight it out”. If they’ve never stared into that nothingness and had it sneer right back at them, they can’t say a damned thing. I found the right therapy, and (after seeing me collapse into a bawling heap begging for her to end my life in her office) the right balance of medication and activities that actually make me feel as though I’m accomplishing something within my life. It’s the littlest things that matter. Not winning marathons, but going for walks. Not your subscriber count, but the joy you got from your work. I can’t say what will help you, as that’s not mine to say. All I can say is that I will continue to be a fan, no matter what you choose to do.
    (Sorry if this has been a long post, it’s just I’ve got your theme on loop and it’s inspiring me).
    Much Love

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  9. “Should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee?”-Albert Camus
    Sadly if you don’t pick the coffee your not ment with much understanding…
    Hope you stay strong.
    Solocker,
    Aka Noobminator

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  10. Good luck Reign, just wanted to let you know I’m a fan and I wish you well. I don’t have depression but I have a severe anxiety disorder and, while these things don’t go away, they become a little more manageable with time

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  11. this made my day, and i’ve been dealing with depression and its great to know that theres others that i can see that are dealing with it too.

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