I got these questions from a fan a couple of days ago. As you probably already know, I’m not currently going forward with the channel, but I wanted to answer this question anyway. If you’ve read any of my entries here, then you’re probably at least somewhat familiar with my issues. I mention them in bits and pieces every now and then, and I know it can be hard to follow. Hopefully this will offer you a simplified overview of my history with depression.
•Does it run in your family?
Yes, it does. My mother and grandmother are both mentally ill and have been put on medication for it. My mother also suffers from alcoholism and occasional drug abuse. Both have been known to have severe mental breakdowns and have attempted suicide more than once. My mom and grandma are the two most prominent ones, but I do believe that others in the family may also deal with similar problems.
•When did it start?
(I’m leaving out a lot of information here just to make sure I stick to the main points.)
I’d say when I was between the ages of 9-11. My family was already pretty unstable to begin with, so that was difficult for me to cope with. Once I was about 8 years old, I started dealing with long-term sexual abuse at home. At first, I sort of just held it in and tried to not let it get to me. Of course, the floodgates eventually opened and I found myself in a very deep depression. That’s when I first started to heavily consider suicide. I just didn’t know how to deal with the situation at that age–it was all very confusing.
It was around that time that my parents finally split up for good. That was particularly painful because I kept quiet about what was happening to me (partially) because I was afraid they’d blame each other for it.
By age 14, things at home became so complicated that I moved out. I was homeless a few times, and struggled to survive on my own. This continued on until adulthood where I was finally able to achieve some form of stability. Unfortunately, the depression never really went away.
•Has it gotten better or worse?
It’s hard to say. I definitely am still depressed–it hasn’t gone away, ever. I’m still going through internal battles, and there are many days where I wake up just feeling done. It bleeds into everything I do, and makes being productive nearly impossible.
Still, I’m not sure if I can say if it’s gotten better or worse. I don’t really look at it that way. I’ve always been a very pained person, but in some ways, I do feel a little better about things now. As I said, I had no idea how to cope when I was a child. It was just pure despair to me. These days, it sucks, but I’m at least an adult and able to apply logic to the situation–even if it may not fix everything immediately.
I guess, maybe the depression hasn’t changed, but I’ve grown as a person and learned to adapt a bit better? I’m by no means saying that I’m properly healed–I am definitely not. I’m still barely able to function right now, and I do suffer from addiction problems.
It’s funny, actually–I’m sitting here typing this not entirely sure of the answer to your question. You’ve given me something to think about. Thank you.